FINAL FUN THOUGHTS FOR 2005 Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism . Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. ********* THE 11th - 20th COMMANDMENTS 11th. Thou shalt not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities. 12th. Thou shalt not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass. 13th. Thou shalt not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one has yet succeeded in accomplishing this. 14th. Thou shalt handle only one problem at a time, and leave the others to the Lord until their turn comes up. 15th. Thou shalt not take troubles to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows. 16th. Thou shalt not try to carry the problems of the world on your shoulders,for nobody (except for One) has a back that is broad enough. 17th. Thou shalt be a good listener, for God often speaks to us through the mouths of others. 18th. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday; for good or ill, it is forever gone. Live in the now and rejoice in it. 19th. Thou shalt firmly dismiss feelings of frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will interfere with positive action. 20th. Thou shalt count thy blessings, never overlooking the smallest, for our biggest blessings are composed of many small ones. **************** I AM THANKFUL . . . FOR THE HUSBAND WHO COMPLAINS WHEN HIS DINNER IS NOT ON TIME, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME, NOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES, BECAUSE THAT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME & NOT ON THE STREETS. FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED. FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE. FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME. FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION. FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM. FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR. FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY.......FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME. l *************** MONEY It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But Not sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life It can buy you Sex But not Love So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering . I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash only please. *********************** 1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.. 3. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 6. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 7. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 8. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. ***************** Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Indecision is the key to flexibility. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. I don't get even, I get odder. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I am a nutritional overachiever My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. ************* Things you learn as you "mature" I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not...tough shit ************** Heavy Thinker It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. **************** Interesting perspective by George Carlin: "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm." **************** My Resignation I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple. I want to play outside, after dark in the summer and count chigger bites. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, love, loyalty, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills, my lists of things to do, and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood with all its guilt and fears and behaviors and "should's" and "shouldn'ts" and "what will others think?" And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause. . . . . . ."Tag! You're it." Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the simple things of life. **************************** Chinese Proverbs Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget. ***************** Lessons I've learned... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages. Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit ******* Subject: The Paradox of our Time by George Carlin The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of more food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. ******************************************* The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. * George Carlin Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. * Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. * Roseanne I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" * Larry Miller If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" * Delta Burke You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" * Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. * Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. * Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? * Jay Leno My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. * Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." * Elayne Boosler Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. * Phyllis Diller When the sun comes up, I have morals again. * Elayne Boosler The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semiautomatics to Uzis. * Conan O'Brien Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. * Tim Allen There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." * Jerry Seinfield Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. * Tim Allen AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." * Jay Leno You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. * Joan Rivers A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! * Jay Leno Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. * Tim Allen Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. * Rita Rudner If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. * George Carlin That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. * Bill Cosby I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. * Zsa Zsa Gabor When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. * Steven Wright Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house. * Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. * Jeff Foxworthy ********************************* Love Is Free Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the "Heart Systems Software Company" help desk. How may I help you? Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know.. The freeware. I don't understand it. Can you tell me how to install it? Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and instructions with you? Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does? Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you may have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes the bad ones. Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother? Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external violation, including the ever- popular syntax errors. Also, all those irritating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model. Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs? CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs cant be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you wont be able to write with the fonts BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10". Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too? CS Rep: They sure are ma'am. Customer: How do I get the upgrades? CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module that you receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while it is running. Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first? CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am? Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.Is it okay to install while they are running? CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am? Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am? Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal? CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message? Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed? CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades. Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do? CS Rep: What does the message say? Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean? CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things but In nontechnical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others. Customer: So what should I do? CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"? Customer: Yes, I have it. CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this. Customer: Thank you. CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back. Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART! AUTHOR UNKNOWN ****************** SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS 1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 6. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 7. I doubt, therefore I might be. 8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. A fool and his money are soon partying. 14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 22. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 24.Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them. ***************************** The World's 25 Shortest Books 25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson ** 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres ** 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES ** 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES ** 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book:...... 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton ******************* WORDS OF WISDOM -- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. -- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. -- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. -- It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. -- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. -- No one is listening until you make a mistake. -- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. -- Never test the depth of the water with both feet. -- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. -- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. -- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. -- If you haven't much education you must use your brain. -- You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. -- When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one. -- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. -- The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. -- The trouble with work is - it's so daily. -- The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. -- Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it. -- Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional. -- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing. -- If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. **************** THE THREE TREES ... Once upon a mountaintop, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold, and filled with precious stones. I will be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked down upon a small stream, trickling by on its way to the ocean. "I want to travel the mighty waters and carry a powerful king. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!" The third little tree looked down into the valley, where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountaintop at all. I want to grow so tall that when people look up at me, they'll raise their eyes to Heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!" The years passed. The rains came, the sun shone, and the 3 little trees grew strong and tall. One day, 3 woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest. I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said. The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail the mighty waters," thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for a mighty king!" The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall, and pointed bravely to Heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any tree will do for me," he muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax, the third tree fell to the ground. The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop, but the carpenter fashioned her into a feedbox for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, or held any treasure. She was coated in dust, and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard. But no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead, the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail an ocean, or even a river. Instead, she was taken to a small lake. The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong square beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" the once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountaintop and point to God." Many, many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But then, one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a woman placed her newborn baby in the foodbox. "I wish I could have made a cradle for Him," her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand, and smiled as starlight shone on the smooth and sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful" she said. Suddenly, the first tree knew that she was holding the greatest treasure in the world! More days and nights passed. This night, a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree sailed quietly out into the lake. Suddenly, a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she didn't have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. At this moment, the second tree knew she was carrying the King of the heavens and the earth. Then, one Friday morning the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly; harsh; cruel. But three days later, when the sun arose, the earth trembled with joy beneath her. At that moment, the third tree knew God's love had changed everything. From that day forward, every time people looked up her, they would think of God's love. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world. So, the next time you feel "down" because you didn't get what you asked for in prayer, just sit tight. God is thinking of something BETTER to give you. *************** SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES 1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but of course they do not wish to soil their hands. You might call that type "Dick Tator." 2. Some people never seem to be motivated to participate. They are content to watch while others do. They are "Speck Tators." 3. Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They might be called "Comment Taters." 4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems. They look or others to agree with them. You call them "Aggie Taters." 5. Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get around to doing anything. They are "Hezzie Taters." 6. Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are not. They are "Emma Taters." 7. Still, there are those who live what they talk. They are always prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand. They bring real sunshine into others' lives. You might call them "Sweet Taters." ************************** During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." ************ INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE 1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. 2. Memorize your favorite poem. 3. Don't believe all you hear. 4. Don't spend all you have. 5. Don't sleep all you want. 6. When you say, "I love you", mean it. 7. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye. 8. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. 9. Believe in love at first sight. 10. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. 11. Love deeply and passionately.You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. 12. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. 13. Don't judge people by their relatives. 14. Talk slowly, but think quick. 15. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?". 16. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 17. Call your parents. 18. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. 19. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 20. Remember the three R's: Respect for your self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions. 21. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 22. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 23. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. 24. Marry a spouse you love to talk to. As you get older, his or her conversational skills will be as important as any other. 25. Spend some time alone. 26. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 27. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 28. Read more books and watch less TV. 29. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,you'll get to enjoy it a second time. 30. Trust in God but lock your car. 31. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. 32. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with a current situation. Don't bring up the past. 33. Read between the lines. 34. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 35. Be gentle with the earth. 36. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it. 37. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. 38. Mind your own business. 39. Don't trust a person who doesn't close his or her eyes when you kiss them. 40. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 41. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. 42. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck. 43. Learn the rules, then break some. 44. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. 45. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 46. Remember that your character is your destiny. 47. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon ********************************* THINK ABOUT YOURSELF Think what a remarkable, unduplicatable, and miraculous thing it is to be you. Of all the people who have come and gone on the earth, since the beginning of time, not ONE of them is like YOU! No one who has ever lived or is to come has had your combination of abilities, talents, appearance, friends, acquaintances, burdens, sorrows opportunities. No, one's hair grows exactly the way yours does. No one's finger prints are like yours. No one has the same combination of secret inside jokes and family expressions that you know. The few people who laugh at all the same things you do, don't sneeze the way you do. No one prays about exactly the same concerns as you do. No one is loved by the same combination of people that love you -- NO ONE! No one before, no one to come. You are absolutely unique. Enjoy that uniqueness. You do not have to pretend in order to seem more like someone else. You weren't meant to be like someone else. You do not have to lie to conceal the parts of you that are not like what you see in anyone else. You were meant to be different. Nowhere ever in all of history will the same things be going on in anyone's mind, soul and spirit as are going on in yours now. If you did not exist, there would be a hole in creation, a gap in history, something missing from the plan for human kind. Treasure your uniqueness. It is a gift given only to you. Enjoy it! Share that uniqueness. No one can reach out to others in the same way that you can. No one can speak your words. No one can convey your meanings. No one can comfort with your kind of comfort. No one can bring your kind of understanding to another person. No one can be cheerful and lighthearted and joyous in your way. No one can smile your smile. No one else can bring the whole unique impact of you to another human being. Share your uniqueness. Let it be free to flow out among your family and friends and people you meet in the rush and clutter of living wherever you are. That gift of yourself was given you to enjoy but not hoard. Give yourself away. See the uniqueness around you in each person you meet. SEE IT. RECEIVE IT. LET IT TICKLE YOU! Let it inform you or nudge you or inspire you or comfort you. The collection of unique, irreplaceable beings around you now has never been available before and will not be in quite the same way again. And so, --- dear, special, irreplaceable person -- receive the gift of yourself and others. Notice the gift, enjoy it, celebrate it and be very, very thankful. Author unknown ********************* The GIFT Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is time. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. To realize the value of one year, ask a student who has failed a grade. To realize the value of one month, ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby. To realize the value of one week, ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of one day, ask a daily wage laborer who has kids to feed. To realize the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of one minute, ask a person who has missed the train. To realize the value of one second, ask a person who has avoided an accident. To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics. Treasure every moment that you have! Treasure every moment you shared with someone special -- someone special enough to spend your time with. Remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is the past. Tomorrow is the future. Today is the present. That's why time is called the "GIFT"! **************************** THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" "I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'" "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" ********************** THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up. ***************** To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; If he betrays you twice, it's your fault. The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. God gives every bird its food, But he does not throw it into its nest. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art. ************************** Around the corner I have a friend In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone And I never see my old friend's face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell, And he rang mine. If, we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men. Tired of playing a foolish game, Tired of trying to make a name. "Tomorrow" I say "I will call on Jim" "Just to show that I'm thinking of him." But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner!- yet miles away, "Here's a telegram sir-" "Jim died today." And that's what we get and deserve in the end. Around the corner, a vanished friend. If you love someone, tell them. Remember always to say what you mean. Never be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets. Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all about anyway. Pass this along to your friends. Let it make a difference in your day and theirs. The difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the regrets may stay around forever. Within 1 hour you must send it to other people. Within five days you will have a miraculous occurrence in your relationships. You will find new love or have an old love rekindled. If you do not send it, you will have once again passed up the opportunity to do something loving and beautiful and continue the trend that gives you problems in your relationships. If you've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't or that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? The more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have. And the better you'll get at reaching out to those you care about. Here's the deal: Forward this letter to at least 10 different people; within 1 hour of receiving it. Do it, and reap what you sow: luck in love, people who care for you, and that warm glowy feeling that comes from loving others. *************************************************** 33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment 1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. 2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. 5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. 6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others. 7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment. 8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. 9. Joan of Arc heard voices too. 10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. 11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain. 12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. 13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. 14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. 15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. 16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. 17. I am at one with my duality. 18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. 19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. 20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. 21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. 22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!" 23. False hope is better than no hope at all. 24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution. 25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. 26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute....I'll find someone. 27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? 28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. 29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. 30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents. 31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. 32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. 33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot. ****************** ALL IN THE STATE OF MIND If you think you are beaten...you are. If you think you dare not...you don't. If you'd like to win...But you think that you can't It's almost a cinch that you won't. If you think you'll lose...You're lost. For out of the world we find... Success begins with a persons will... And it's all in the state of mind. If you think you are outclassed..you are. You've got to think high to rise. You've got to be sure of yourself... Before you can EVER win the prize. Lifes battles don't always go... To the stronger or to the faster man. But sooner or later the man who wins... Is the man... who thinks he can. ********************************************* Just Because It's Right... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night. "Could you possibly give us a room here?" the husband asked. The clerk, a friendly man with a winning smile, looked at the couple and explained that there were three conventions in town. "All of our rooms are taken," the clerk said. "But I can't send a nice couple like you out in the rain at one o'clock in the morning. Would you perhaps be willing to sleep in my room? It's not exactly a suite, but it will be good enough to make you folks comfortable for the night." When the couple declined, the young man pressed on. "Don't worry about me; I'll make out just fine," the clerk told them. So the couple agreed. As he paid his bill the next morning, the elderly man said to the clerk, "You are the kind of manager who should be the boss of the best hotel in the United States. Maybe someday I'll build one for you." The clerk looked at the couple and smiled. The three of them had a good laugh. As they drove away, the elderly couple agreed that the helpful clerk was indeed exceptional, as finding people who are both friendly and helpful isn't easy. Two years passed. The clerk had almost forgotten the incident when he received a letter from the old man. It recalled that stormy night and enclosed a round-trip ticket to New York, asking the young man to pay them a visit. The old man met him in New York, and led him to the corner of Fifth Avenue and 34th street. He then pointed to a great new building there, a palace of reddish stone, with turrets and watchtowers thrusting up to the sky. "That," said the older man, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage." "You must be joking," the young man said. "I can assure you that I am not," said the older man, a sly smile playing around his mouth. The old man's name was William Waldorf Astor, and the magnificent structure was the original Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. The young clerk who became its first manager was George C. Boldt. This young clerk never foresaw the turn of events that would lead him to become the manager of one of the world's most glamorous hotels. He gave without question, just because it was the thing that seemed right. **************************************************************************************** "Twenty Keys to a Happy Life" 1. Compliment three people everyday. 2. Watch a sunrise 3. Be the first to say "Hello." 4. Live beneath your means. 5. Treat everyone as you want to be treated. 6. Never give up on anybody; miracles happen. 7. Forget the Jones's. 8. Remember someone's name. 9. Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage. 10. Be tough-minded, but tender hearted. 11. Be kinder than you have to be. 12. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. 13. Keep your promises. 14. Learn to show cheerfulness even when you don't feel it. 15. Remember that overnight success usually takes 15 years. 16. Leave everything better than you found it. 17. Remember that winners do what losers don't want to do. 18. When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone's day. 19. Don't rain on other people's parades. 20. Don't waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. ************************************************************************ Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON. Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second. There is no right way to do the wrong thing. The best vitamin for making friends: B1. Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager. My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" T-shirt. --Lev L. Spiro There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. --Dykstra O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. You'll never be the man your mother was! Drive defensively. Buy a tank. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. --Elizabeth Taylor Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. --Time Bandits Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. ************************************************************************** Things We Can Learn from a Dog! Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. - Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. - When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. - When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. - Let others know when they have invaded your territory. - Take naps and stretch before rising. - Run, romp and play daily. - Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. - Be loyal. - Never pretend to be something you're not. - If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. - When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nudge them gently. - Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. - On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. - When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. - No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. - Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. **************************************************************************************** PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. ******************************************************************************* Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with specialists in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to lever their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was the solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? DANA SCULLY: There are hundreds of reasons why a chicken may cross the road. I'm not willing to choose one at random until I have all the facts. RICHARD M NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one. **************************************************************************************** This, from a friend: Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON. Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second. There is no right way to do the wrong thing. The best vitamin for making friends: B1. Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager. My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" T-shirt. --Lev L. Spiro There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. --Dykstra O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. You'll never be the man your mother was! Drive defensively. Buy a tank. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. --Elizabeth Taylor Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. --Time Bandits Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. ************************************************************************** People with too much time on their hands should try Lava. That stuff washes off anything. --Paul Paternoster There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states this has already happened. -Douglas Adams Mom thinks she knows everything, but I gotta confess she was right about the cheese-fondue-in-the-pocket thing. --Matthew J. Siske People who need people are people who don't realize just how annoying people can be. --J Wagner (Crabby Road) Did Mary and Joseph ever get up enough nerve to send Jesus to his room? --Bil Keand (Family Circus) Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty. --Matthew J. Siske A SKEPTIC is one who won't take "know" for an answer. The learned are seldom pretty fellows, and in many cases their appearance tends to discourage a love of study in the young. --H.L. Mencken Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a hollow-point .38 slug could take out my entire liver. --Lev L. Spiro A wise man once said to me: "Pick the cup with the bean underneath and you'll win a dollar! Everyone's a winner!" --Lev L. Spiro Incomepoop: Someone who always invests in bad stocks. --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest) Call-waiting is the perfect thing if you want to interrupt one annoying phone call to take another. --J Wagner (Crabby Road) Capital is the fruit of labor and could have never existed if labor had not first existed. --U.S. President Abraham Lincoln One doctor to another: "It's considered an experimental drug because they don't know whether they'll make a bundle on it yet." --Dave Carpenter Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. --Dan Moon Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. --Mark Twain The most predictable thing about the stock market is the number of experts who take credit for predicting it. --Dave Weinbaum No mind is thoroughly well-organized that is deficient in a sense of humor. --Samuel Taylor Coleridge Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. --Garrison Keillor Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts. --GQ The trouble with America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has changed to advertising copy. --Mortimer B. Zuckerman Riding mowers are great if you don't mind that tingly feeling in your bottom three hours after you cut the grass. --J. Wagner (Crabby Road) Intelligence is like a river: the deeper it is, the less noise it makes. --Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. --Elvis Costello Adolescence is like a house on moving day -- a temporary mess. --Julius Warren As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it. --Sam Ewing Interviewing Robin Williams is like trying to hold helium in your fist. --Barbara Walters Sign: "Highway of Life -- Prepare to Pay Tolls" --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest) I'm not going to grow old gracefully. I'm going to do it kicking, screaming and complaining!" --Stephanie Piro (Fair Game) One mosquito to another: "Sure, I believe in reincarnation -- in my previous life I was an IRS agent!" --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest) Want to see a big fireworks display? Cut me off in traffic. --J. Wagner (Crabby Road) ****************************************************************************** Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine. ___________________________________________________ If the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama, because everything happens there 20 years later. I got the mushroom treatment at work. First I was kept in the dark, then they covered me with manure. Today, I got canned. I read so much about the evils of drinking and smoking that I've given up reading. I asked my Dad how I will know if I'm truly successful. He said, "Your wife will tell you." When I ask a girl to dance and she says no, I say, "You must be mistaken. I said you look fat in those pants." When you are turned down for date, say, "Don't be picky. I wasn't." I married a moonshiner's daughter and I love her still. Hukt on fonix wurkd four me. When I die, I want to go like grandpa did, quietly in his sleep; not screaming like the passengers in his car. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. If my parents are couch potatoes, does that make me a tater tot? I slept in and my 6-year-old daughter brought me my favorite coffee cup. I looked inside and there were three Army soldiers. I said, "Honey, what is this?" She said, "Mommy, the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup." This is to the lady with the "God is My Co-Pilot" bumper sticker who ran us off the road: Next time let God drive. What's yellow and sleeps six? A DOT truck. Does anyone know the difference between the House of Representatives and the Boy Scouts? The Boy Scouts have adult leadership. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges did not live there? *************************************************************************************** If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice. -Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" -Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish Times. Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina. To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra -Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. -Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married! -Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana. God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God -The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -Revolution Books. New York, New York. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas. JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? -Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! -Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. ************************************************************************************** On the Nature of the Universe Carl Zwanzig, "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the Universe together." Douglas Adams, "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another story which states this has already happened." Albert Einstein, " Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown, "Astronomers say the Universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they left their keys." Edward P. Tryon, "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." John Andrew Holmes, "It is well to remember the Universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. Kilgore Trout, 'The Universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." Woody Allen, "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the Universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Douglas Adams (again), "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." William J. Broad, "The crux ... is that the vast majority of the mass of the Universe seems to be missing." Rich Cook, "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Fred Hoyle, "There is a coherent plan in the Universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Ray Bradbury, "We are an impossibility in an impossible Universe." Christopher Morely, "My theology, briefly, is that the Universe was dictated but not signed." Edward Chilton, "I'm worried that the Universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Waterson), "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the Universe is that it has never tried to contact us." *************************************************************************** ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy-in a jar on my desk. -- Steven King, 3/8/90 [Editor's Note: Steven King stole this from Robert Bloch, who said it at least15 years earlier.] ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth-they are too weak to refuse. ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.-Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. ****************************************************************************** 1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 3. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 5. He who hesitates is probably right. 6. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 7. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 8. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. 9. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. 10. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 11. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. 12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 13. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 14. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 16. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 17. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 19. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 20. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 21. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. 22. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. 23. A fool and his money are soon partying. 24. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. 25. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 26. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! 27. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. 28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... 29. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! 30. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. 31. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 32. Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." 33. Death to all fanatics! 34. Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. 35. Chastity is curable, if detected early. 36. Don't be sexist; broads hate that! 37. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 38. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 39. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 40. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 41. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. 42. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. 43. Beware of geeks bearing gifs. 44. Half the people you know are below average. 45. percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 46. percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 47. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. And finally.... 48. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.... ******************************************************************************** And now, the following piece, written by someone with entirely too much time on his hands... WHICH STOOGE ARE YOU? There are three kinds of people in this world. I know, you've heard of that before. Everybody has their three types of people, or their four types, or five types... But there are three, and the models for these types come neither from psychology nor ancient religion. They come from Columbia Studios, and they are archetypally embodied in The Three Stooges. The Stooges unwittingly -- of course -- left us a rich legacy of deft interpretations of the most primal human behavior patterns. Their short films, seen as a whole, form a tapestry in which the interactions of people as individuals, corporations, and nations are distilled to a microcosm, a pure essence of existential folly. There are but a small percentage of Moes in any given population: perhaps five percent. There are even fewer Curlys. The vast bulk of humanity are Larrys. (Though represented by male characters, the three types also apply to women.) THE MOE PERSONALITY Moe is the active personality, and if not always dominant, always striving to be. Moe is the one who spurs the others into action. He devises plans to better their lot, but when his plans fail the other two suffer the consequences. But is Moe any less the fool because they follow his plans? He is a natural manipulator, only partially because the others are waiting to be manipulated. He would want to manipulate them anyway, even if they weren't so willing. THE LARRY PERSONALITY Larry is a born follower, a blank slate that only reacts (and slowly at that) to external stimuli. He never initiates action. He is Moe's absolute tool, the truest stooge. When Moe's abuse finally does make him angry, he lashes out not at Moe, but at Curly. No matter how he suffers under Moe's yoke, he never really rebels. He argues, but gives up easily. Were it not for the presence of his friends, Larry probably would live in peace -- a dull, flat, mechanical peace. Though clumsy, he is still the most employable of the three -- for the other two are incapable of following orders, although for different reasons. THE CURLY PERSONALITY Curly is the only likable one, a truly rare human model. He is the holy man, the Divine Fool. He is as creative and active as Moe -- but it is a spontaneous and joyous kind of creativity, no good for the kind of plotting and scheming required by a Moe-dominated society. He is a free spirit, but correspondingly unable to function well in a world full of Moes and Larrys. He, like Larry, is perpetually abused, but he intuitively understands what is happening to him and reacts far more angrily -- if equally ineffectually. He is everyone's favorite Stooge because he is the funniest; through his innate nobility and natural humility he constantly bests Moe, but it is in an unconscious way, and it is only apparent to the outside observer. Curly himself is hardly aware of his talents; his weakness is that he does not know his own strength, and cannot trust his own luck. In real life, Curlys are usually branded by the Moes and Larrys around them as retarded, schizophrenic, maladjusted, or just plain stupid... whereas in reality, it is only Curly who understands the truth. Remaining cheerful through adversity, he wins battles not by fighting, but by accidentally unleashing accidents in which his enemies injure themselves. STOOGE CO-EXISTENCE Alien to feelings of avarice or ambition, Curly is the opposite of Moe. Yet the two are drawn together by some inexplicable balancing force of nature. The Larrys, as ever, are the in-betweeners, slug-like nonentities caught in the crossfire of cosmic dualities -- yet remaining there by some herding instinct that makes being a casualty of the Moe-Curly battle preferable to life alone with other Larrys. Only the existence of the blameless, bovine Larrys makes that of Moe or Curly possible. They are able to maintain their level of glandular brutality and senseless destruction only at the expense of the unquestioning, loyal worker drone whose income partially supports their excesses. Were he not there to diffuse Moe's anger by becoming another recipient of his blows, Curly would have been killed long ago, and Moe would have committed suicide out of loneliness. The horror of it all is that the three types need each other to survive. Of all nature's cycles of parasitic symbiosis, the one involving the three human types is the most nightmarish. It rages around us all the time in real life, spreading death and madness, yet when we see it on the screen we call it comedy. - Ivan Stang ************************************************************************ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ponderings What if there were no hypothetical situations? Did you ever notice that whenever someone tastes something bad they immediately want you to taste it? Is it possible to be totally partial? How come Gilligan and the Skipper were the only 2 on the boat who didn't have a change of clothes? What is it about being alone in a car that makes people want to pick their nose? If a man writes a book about failing and it doesn't sell, is it a success? Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases? -They're making headlines all over the place. One good thing about old age: Insurance salesman stop bothering you. Have you ever noticed that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? I wonder why they call it a 'TV set', if there is only one of it. The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? What's another word for thesaurus? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why is the word abbreviation so long? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? ***************************************************************************** Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN <-------- The information went data way --------> Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud......, James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. E Pluribus Modem .. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press -- to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Read my chips: No new upgrades! Hit any user to continue. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand." ********************************************************************************** I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. What's another word for "thesaurus"? When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child. . .eventually. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go." I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ." I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . oohh, that's much better. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. My school colors were clear. I had to tell people, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it." My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain. Hermits have no peer pressure. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . . There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!" Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . . I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday". I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read." It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far." I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer. I'm a peripheral visionary. I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. You can't have everything...where would you put it? I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?" On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long." The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. *********************************************************************************************************